How would you have liked to see the Lorne interview go down?

Hanson: Despite all this chat here you sent a whole bunch of pictures *gives lorne mr. penis pics* now why would you think that is appropriate?
Lorne: It's nawt
Hanson: Those are all your pictures right?
Lorne: *nods yes*
Hanson: Is that all you do in your spare time?
Lorne: No
Hanson: REALLY?! because I tell you this is the longest chatlog i have ever seen, I mean this must have taken hours everyday to amass a conversation this large, unless you're unemployed, this must be all you do.
Lorne: Cawd!

Hansen: And then you say "Where do you want my blank first? Mouth, blank or blank?"
Lorne: Mmmm....nnnrrr....I never wrote that.
(Del brings correct chatlog)
Hansen: Well, here's yours. "Can you experiment for me tonight, Precious?" You are asking a 13 year old girl to masturbate for you? Why would you even think that's appropriate?

10 years later on a Lorne Reality vid.

Lorne: For all you knowitalls that think you know everything, PJ edited my chatlog. They put words in my mouth. I never said those things they said I wrote. It was all a setup just for ratings.

Lorne nods in disagreement to Chris’ outrageous accusations of being a weirdo. Chris takes great offense to Lorne’s rejection of the obvious, so he immediately challenges the sexual deviant, “No?!” Chris scolds. “Explain this then: You mention how happy you were when your neices asked you to buy sexy clothing without their parent’s knowledge; You continuously expose your limp penis to her; You deomonstrate jealously over a 13yr old boy; You tell her you will feed her your semen; You tell her to masturbate for you; You tell her to kiss your buttock’s pimples,” Lorne trembles in fear, he knows the end is imminent, but Chris is relishing the moment. Chris knows this will be a career highlight, line by line he enthusiastically exposes the loser to the nation, “You plan out future dates, marriage, impregnation, the birth of a daughter in a room without any men but you, and you name your spawn Hannah Armstrong.” Lorne is visibly agitated, Chris has destroyed everything by entrapping a GOOD GUY, and Lorne wants reparations, “You’re wrong,” Lorne whispers in protest, but Chris is too involved in his reading of the perverted literature to hear the whimpers. “You plan a whole weekend in which you”ll both be walking around naked, penetrating her while she, a 13yr old girl, cooks and cleans for you...Lorne! You give pet names to the genitals!” Chris remarks as he furiously searches for the the knockout line. Lorne knows what will follow, he must act against the pizza shit trying to wrong him, Chris identifies the killer line, “ Ah, here’s a good one, is Ms. Vagina thinking about Mr. Penis? What is she thinking?” Enraged, Lorne lunges from the comfortable recliner fit for a king, and takes aim at Chris’ face with his calloused fist, “Yoo dun know me!” Lorne yells. Chris, who lacks combat abilities due to his focus on education and money, amazingly manages to evade Lorne’s belligerent maneuver by thrusting his body rightward towards the walls, but in the process, Chris losses his balance and falls face-first onto the floor. Standing tall Lorne victoriously states, “Itz all ovauh now.” Lorne bolts towards the threshold of freedom, but as he sneaks a peek behind him, he sees a fully equipped film crew rushing after him, “Oh CAWD!” Lorne tearfully exclaims, knowing their will be repercussions for his actions, even though its not his fault for stupid shit, but he continues his rush for the doors. Unbeknownst to Lorne, the outside did not offer escape, as a team of Kentucky’s finest Law Enforcers had congregated around the entrance after hearing the commotion from inside, all eager to bring down the law on the child rapist. Lorne opens the door. The sight, oh the frightening sight, the beautiful country house in rural Greenville completely surrounded by armed professionals. “The MEDIA! The JUSTICE SYSTEM! The U.S. GOVERNMENT! ALL OF THEM! No doubts, a conspiracy against a GOOD GUY,” Lorne thought to himself. Lorne stands stiff against the opposition. Out of fear? In defiance? “Sheriff! Get on the ground!” Orders from the armed posse. “Good n’ Yoo?” Lorne responds back. Although professionals, the deputies are unable to keep composure in the face of such an illogical and smartass comeback, so a wall of laughter now surrounds Lorne. Alone, between the media and the government, between humiliation and justice. Lorne voluntarily throws himself flat upon the ground, wishing to get this over with and away from the cameras. A large and well manicured hand grabs Lorne’s collar and forcefully pulls him back to his feet, “I have been in television for 24yrs, and I have very seldom been at lost for words, but I don’t even know what to ask you first!” Chris stated, as he pressed Lorne against the wall. “Oh CAWD!” Lorne knew tonight ends with injury and insult. “I’d like an awtorney,” Lorne begs. “Well Lorne,” Chris responds, “I’ve got bad news for you, I’m Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline, and this is an investigation of online predators who chat with underage girls, everything has been recorded since you entered the house. If you have something to say, then please do. If not, you’re free to go.” Lorne sniffles and whimpers, but Chris’ final statement provides comfort. “I’d like to go,” Lorne quietly declares. Chris nods to the deputies, “Okay then.” Lorne pulls down his Boston Red Sox cap to cover his mucus covered face and walks pass through the deputies to the driveway, where he enters his big white dawdge twack and drives into obscurity.
(Studio Edit)
Preview of what’s to air in the episode after commercials: If Lorne had just left it at that, Lorne would have been a memorable character, but we let him go because he had set up a meet-up with another decoy for the next day, and that just put him over the top
(Cuts to teaser video of second bust). Lorne walks proudly into the second sting house and the decoy engages in conversation. “I gotta ask you, are we still going to be up for tonight after your concert?” Asks the decoy. “We’ll see.” Lorne flirtatiously responds. The decoy innocently chuckles at the answer and Lorne joins in the fun, “lull.” Chris Hansen walks into the room and engages Lorne, “You know, you look familiar to me.” “OPPS~” is Lorne’s reaction to Chris’ trolling, quickly Lorne places his left hand over his mouth in surprise. Chris Hansen produces a million-dollar smile and mimics Lorne’s shock, “OPPS...”

This scenario starts just a few moments into the original interview...

Hansen: You want to explain yourself?
Lorne: No, really I never really was gonna dew anything..
Hansen: You weren't going to do anything?
Lorne: Mmphnno
Hansen: So you brought condoms-what else did you bring?
Lorne: I brought her a bracelet.
Hansen: A bracelet? And anything else?
Lorne: I brought a pizza, it's out in truck
*Frag comes into the picture still in his task chair and wheels around Hansen's recliner to whisper something into his ear*
Hansen: Could you go and retrieve your gifts for us, Lorne? Del will accompany you to varify

*As Del heads down the stairs to follow Lorne her shoe gets caught up in one of hidden cameras cables and Del stumbles and lands head first into the banister.  Blood and cell phones go flying everywhere, everyone is frozen in splattered blood amazement.  The quick thinking Lorne backflips off his recliner and slides across the floor much to the shock of Hansen.  "After him" Hansen cries, but Frag slips in Del's blood and falls and presumably dies, Casey is staring blankly at a wall as Hansen yells for her to get the police.  Hansen approaches Casey and sees the problem, his 25 years in television has given him the experience to recognize "extreme nervousness", she had all the symptoms of someone that was in full panic mode.  Hansen thinks to himself about when he hired Casey as a decoy, we knew she suffered severe anxiety bad, well not AS bad but we thought the dancing and chatting with vulnerable innocent men was helping her cope with her mental problems.  Yet Hansen knew in Casey's situation, she wasn't going to be able to talk a little, "she's toast!" Hansen sighs.

Lorne now just outside the front door, checks for his smokes, lighter, car keys, pictures of nieces, and cig maker and a bag of tobacco (which he calls tabackky), he quickly rolls a few cigarettes.  The police who had yet to set up in position were well out of range of Lorne.  "OH NO, HE'S HEADED FOR THE TRUCK!!" one sheriff quietly states in a calm fashion, "no partner it looks like he's rolling a cigarette, what in tarnation!? another confused deputy says.  Lorne then lights his well crafted smoke and tosses it into the bed of the Dodge 1500, and then an immense explosion erupts, killing half of the police department and a few KBI agents on the scene like Dudinskie.  Lorne had cleverly filled each condom from the Pleasure Pack with unleaded gas, anticipating this might be one of those staged shows he was hearing about down at the church gym.  "Tell Betty she can have her truck back now, heh heh!" Lorne, in the confusion of it all runs across the lawn and a block over where he gets into a white van with a mysterious man wearing a sombrero (he's Mexican!). 


Buggy Neighbor: Todo bien?
Lorne: Si, it was another setup just like with Amanda James, I had to give Kayla a go away attitude too.
Buggy Neighbor: Oh dios mio!, well now what, jefe?
Lorne: Back to Nashville amigo, there has to be a girl for an good guy like me out there somewhere on the internet, first, stop by a pawn shop.

Call me extreme but I would have liked to have seen Chris read the Holy Lornography word for word....