Damning Piece of Evidence in One of Lorne's Poems

Lorne wrote this goddamn abomination on my wedding day. Well, 7 years before my actual wedding day but same fucking day. I guess I know what's going in the anniversary card this year.

He says at the beginning of the “poem” (air quotes) that it’s supposed to be about how great she is—but actually, he doesn’t say a DAMN thing about her. All he does is talk about himself and what he’s going to do to her.

This is due to two reasons:
1. He doesn’t actually know her. I believe they’d only just met two weeks FOUR DAYS prior to his publication of this atrocity.
2. (and this, I think, is the main reason) He really doesn’t give one single shit about her, or anyone else who’s not him. He only said this stuff because she was the first female who hadn’t run from him screaming in all of his 37 wasteful years on this planet.

Lorne the narcissist. As per usual.

I’d give anything to talk to people he went to school or worked with, or people who live in his community. (Not that he’s worked much, but you know what I mean.) It would be fascinating to find out what those who know him in person have to say about him. My family is going to Maine next summer; shame I’m From Away, because I’d love to conduct some interviews.

Stop by Cornville Town Hall and take a pic of Lorne’s RSO pic and info posted on the bulletin board there, please?

My god. I just looked at the date on the first message of the chat log, and then the one on the poem. You’re right! Mercy, it’s even worse than I thought. LOL

It took him four days to fall in love, but only fifteen minutes to write the poem.

The Tony poem is real, it's tearfully read out by Lorne himself in one of the Robot cawls - I wanna say this one. EDIT: Dammit, nope. Still hilarious how much he bashes Tony in that call though! Will keep looking.

In the reading - blubbering throughout, OFC - he calls Fahmah his "brother," and ends with a solemn vow: that if he could speak with Tony, just one last time, he knows what he'd say to him: "GOOD N YEEEEEEW" 

Ramona's poem is the best of his oeuvre imo - no small praise with a scribe of these subtle qualities.

When at last we finally meet

When we get to the hotel room I'm going to kiss your feet

I will then sing a song that I wrote just for you

Then we will then make love the whole night through

In the morning when we wake, a vegan breakfast will await

Once our breakfast settles and our day begins

I'll make love to you in the shower all over again

After we're dressed and out for a ride

I'll do my best to show you the time of your life

It's got a bit of everything! There's the sexual entitlement; the delusions of musicality; the cartoonish virginal fantasy of a Hotel Shower Fuck Fest! We're even reminded of Lorne's considerate side, with his assurance that he'll give it a while before they hop in the shower, so he doesn't perfume their tryst with too many vegan breakfast burrito farts. What a sensitive man 

If you need more proof he's a virgin, and never even kissed a girl, those two lines are there

Ha, I know. All the sensual thrills of trying not to kill yourself or your partner by slipping and cracking your head open, or falling square on your ass like Uncle Junior in the Sopranos. ("SISTER'S CUNT!") Plus the added appeal of being in a steamy, low-visibility environment with a disturbingly accurate Toxic Avenger cosplayer. I'm picturing the lucky lady spontaneously screaming "DON'T TOUCH ME MAAAAN!" like Ray Wise in Robocop.

It's like a more moderate version of his classic "Fall asleep inside a yew~" abomination, which he occasionally elaborates will lead to spontaneous sleep-fawkin' when both parties have "seckshual thawts."

The thought of him wanting to be affectionate groshes me reet out.

hrngh hrngh hrngh hrnghhhh ..... that's my girl

This poem is lame even by middle/high school standards, never mind what a 50+ year man would write to his pretend girlfriend. There was no phone sex with Ramona, right? I know he talks about sex with every single catfish, but I don't recall it being discussed much with Ramona. Maybe I missed something.

I wouldn't put it past him to have that shit already written and he was saving it for the "perfect girl"