Full Transcript of Lorne’s Prison Journal 2007 - 2012

“A little while later, I was turned back to to Aaron and Herman and started to step up to sit on the picnic table top and Aaron smacked me in the ass with his new flip flops he just bought. Those things are hard rubber and they hurt when someone hits you with them. I had just gotten Vern to not hit me with them again because he could see that it was really beginning to piss me off. Well it pissed me off even more when Aaron hit me with them because he knows how much it took to pound it into Vern’s head to stop hitting people with them. Unfortunately Aaron started running his mouth to me and got in my face. Dumb thing to do considering I’m bigger than he is. But some people just want to play a tough guy and run their mouth. I would have let him run his mouth but the stupid thing he did was touch my face with his finger and that really pissed me off. After that I grabbed him and through him about 10 feet. The dumbass came back running his mouth again so I grabbed both his feet and pulled them out from underneath him. I turned to walk away because I didn’t want to hit him. He’s the same age as my nephews so it made it me not want to hit him. Unfortunately again he started running his mouth again. I was just gonna let him run his mouth and not do anything until he cocked his arm back and hit my ear with his fist. Almost as soon as his fist hit my ear I came back with a right and a left. He now has a welt on his back and a goose egg on his forehead. I walked away after that and he kept his mouth shut. About 15 minutes later we shook hands and started laughing about it because we were the last 2 guys in the cell that anyone expected would fight each other. That was only the second or third time I’ve hit anyone in here. The first time I broke the guys nose and was happy about it. This time I felt bad but at the same time it was funny.”

I’ll take things that never happened for 500, Alex. Jesus, he even added the “and everyone clapped” touch at the end, where everyone laughs over how fierce their fight was. First of all, very few people are smaller than Lorne. And how is it possible to give someone a bruise on their forehead AND their back with two punches thrown from the front? Why was Lorne punching the only skull plate on a person’s face in the first place? And how did the “through” someone 10 feet? Is he the Pedo Hulk?

I’m willing to bet that any time anyone stepped to Lorne, he cried and shriveled up like a pathetic little raisin. No wonder he said he didn’t want his fellow inmates reading his “book” (as if anyone ever actually asked him in the first place). They would’ve seen the lies he was writing about them and kicked his fucking ass for it.

On a side note, I think it’s funny that he refused to elaborate on the nature of his crime until the very end of the journal. It’s like he thought he could charm the reader into liking him first, so that they’d take pity on him for being “lured” into trying to rape a kid.

Editing to clarify… I realized he probably means that the welt on the guy’s back is from when he supposedly swept the guy off his feet. I was confused initially, because Lorne’s writing is fucking terrible. I guess his second punch was useless? Still. None of this happened.