Lorne bringing up Amanda James to Chris makes me rage
Sept 22, 2022 17:52:54 GMT -5
Archvile the 87th, Sigmund, and 4 more like this
Post by That Fawkin Dawktah on Sept 22, 2022 17:52:54 GMT -5
Ramona is much maligned on here, but I think her softer approach to Lorne allowed us to see the lengths he would go to avoid taking any responsibility for anything. It's like a reverse onion, layer after layer was added between Lorne and taking responsibility. It's really amazing what he would claim to get out of things. One of my favorites is that he blamed Ramona for him calling her names when he was drunk, saying she never told him not to do it.
While Winnie often devolved into insults, and Lorne would just respond to the insults, and Debbie was direct and wouldn't let him squirm out from under anything, Ramona often let Lorne get away with things, which led to some amazing mental gymnastics.
Beyond the infamous highlights ("I WERE RAISED BY MUH MAWM"), my favourite detail is the farcical wheeling out of Ralph Senior. I'm sure the guy was human garbage, that's not the ridiculous part. It's Lorne launching into a classic Lifetime Movies Presents: Lorne's Labour of Love narrative, theatrically bawling down the line "MUH DAD WAS A PIZZASHIT! SO WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM?!?!"
Lorne repeatedly sells this notion of himself as some deep, subtle character. A mystery wrapped in enigma, full of contradictions, noble above all else. It's like no, dude. You're scum. Your father was scum. Most of your siblings and your dead fat friend are scum. You're all about as complex and subtle as dog shit.
And just like dog shit, it's not that you can't be analysed. There's simply nothing there, other than varying shades of filth. You're an unrepentant predator of children and a serial drunk driver, both activities curbed solely by law enforcement and the lifetime threat of reincarceration. Your old man was a violent deadbeat who abandoned your mother and six children, having attempted on at least one occasion to murder her before a somewhat better man smashed his head in; like father like son, only brute force seems to work on your kind. Your siblings and dead fat friend collaborated with you to scam an elderly couple of $30,000, every last one of you maintaining a conspiracy of silence to this very day.
Birds of a feather. Fin.
It's like an expansion of his perennially messed-AHP "head," that malformed dome full of hidden truths and insights. Anyone would conclude the guy is merely a perverted felon, with an admittedly remarkable allergy to personal responsibility. But no, according to Dr. Lornemund Freud, we plebes are missing the big picture - the ineffable spiritual truth, that leaves Lorne not just an innocent victim, but the hero of his entire sordid tale.
Like during his TCAP segment, when Hansen spells out verbatim Lorne's genius plan to marry KAYLUH at 18, while having sex with her until then. That is literally, in black-and-white, the plan Lorne stated in his own words. And Lorne's response? Downturned eyes and a sagely shake of the head, quietly exasperated at this uncouth vandal presuming to read his own words back to him. Pshaw! Of course it sounds that way, when uttered by such a vulgar mouth!
Lorne: "I don't know how it came to this."
Hansen: "Sounds to me like you wanted to have sex with a thirteen year-old girl."
Lorne: "No, no I don't think that was it..."
Hansen: *returns to phonebook-sized chatlog in which Lorne spends a month salivating over having sex with a thirteen year-old girl*
(the alternative is that Lorne was shaking his head in self-loathing, but as well all know, he's not big on that concept)
I'm a fan of the theory that this moron really believes, as long as he never cops to his crime, there's a chance of it being expunged, and/or the sting and its findings being retroactively thrown out - with possibly further rewards to come (we all know how much he loves talk of suing various people for grotesque amounts of money).
That's the practical, pragmatic side. Otherwise? I genuinely believe he's 1) too prideful to admit he did something so universally despicable, and 2) too intellectually feeble and socially stunted to realise there is no way in hell anyone is going to buy his outlandish tale of "unintentional travel." This stupidity extends to things like, in a legal document, calling the photos of random preteens "sexually enticing," and the decoy's tiny little voice an example of irresistible "female powers."
Of course 99% of humanity would exclaim "Whoa there! That says a lot more about your criminal attraction to underaged girls than the sting's legality, Lorne!"
As with discarding his risible Lifetime Movie confections, I've come to think the simplest, truest explanation is that Lorne is simply in that bottom 1% for combined idiocy and social myopia; so incompetent as to bewilder the average onlooker. However, he has just enough cockroach-like survival instinct to cling onto the hope of exoneration, adding another layer of insulation between himself and reality.
The silver lining there is that his hope was an illusion to begin with, which I suppose makes Lorne dumber than most roaches too.
