Non-TCAP Stream of Consciousness

They don't have a good bathroom to do coke in.

Are you sure that's Paul Allen over there?

Yes. McDufus, I am.

He's handling the Fisher account.

Lucky bastard.

Lucky Jew bastard.

Jesus, McDermott, what does that have to do with anything?

I've seen that bastard sitting in his office, talking on the phone to the CEOs, spinning a fucking menorah.

Not a menorah. You spin a dreidel.

Oh, my God. Bateman, do you want me to fry you up some fucking potato pancakes? Some latkes?

No. Just cool it with the anti-Semitic remarks.

Oh, I forgot. Bateman's dating someone from the ACLU.

The voice of reason... the boy next door. Speaking of reasonable, only $570...

We have you on camera writing "I ❤ gay people" in sidewalk chalk!

- I did, LIKE HELL!

Oh, so you DID do it?

- No, I didn't fuckin' write that!

Why not? Do you hate people then? Are you a homophobe?

- *hang up beep*

Mike Pettine, you fuckin suck, with a passion. I hate you more than I've ever hated anything in life.

Brian Hoyer, I've been praying to God someone injures you today on that field, because you know what, you fuckin suck.

That's not really how it's pronounced...

- It is in CANADA!

Saturday, Donny, is shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't.. handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I SURE AS SHIT, DON'T FUCKING ROLL!!

- Sheesh

SHOMER SHABBOS!

-- Walter, how am I gonna-

Shomer fucking shabbos!

Ohh my God, Mike Pettine, you are a fucking clueless, piece of shit, glorified high school head coach. You do not belong anywhere near a football field. You know where you belong? You belong in a faggot camp. You belong bent over, with a bunch of fucking dicks up your FUCKIN ASS!!! YOU FUCKIN SUCK!!!

Mike Pettine, you fuckin suck, I pray to God, I beg God, I'm gonna pray to God, that, you fucking get in your car from Berea, whatever the fuck it is, and you have a fuckin aneurysm, and you fuckin collapse.

This isn't good for my health, I'm 47 fuckin years old. This isn't good for my health.

So, people, I'm passionate about my fuckin team, I'm sorry. And most Browns fans are too, we don't deserve this shit. I wish the NFL would just get rid of the fuckin Browns. I swear to God, just get rid of the fuckin Browns. SERIOUSLY, just get rid of the- fuckin fold the franchise up, and just fuckin put an asterisk up that says "the team folded because they were FUCKIN run by FUCKING ASSSSSSSSS!! HOOOOOOOLES!!!"

That's all I ask for.

Three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, YER GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVIN' IN THE FUCKIN' PAST!

*sound bite plays* 
You're a fucking loser FAGGOT!

Well, losers weren't upset at that statement. 

I think Bob Levy is basically Jeffrey Dahmer if he read a joke book. I know that sounds a little harsh, but I love the guy.

He gets out on the internet and stalks these women, and throws out this web of deceit, and sleaziness, and hair dye, and bad coke, whiskey beer breath, cheap fuckin target shirts, and coupons for Sizzler's 2-for-1 steak on a Wednesday. His 40 thousand dollar house just outside of Philly, which somehow has a built-in pool, I have no idea what the fuck that looks like.

His poor child is being raised by a father that is just not there, and a mother that hates being with the father. The father's in the basement, damp, clearly doesn't have the proper heat or air conditioning. Somehow, he gets over to this disgusting, jizz-drenched, stinky, whiskey-sobbing, computer board, and types out "Who's out there? Who's out there in fuckin virgin, creep land that I can try to fuck, with my web of grossness?"

And eventually, he gets some takers. Some poor women who have a background that's clearly troubling. This girl has father issues, he's clearly a mad Irish drunk. She has dyed black hair. She's goth. She's like the fat gay guy's son on the Sopranos. She's probably shit in the gym shower several times.

You know, right after... murdah and mayhem... and the rescue in California; Tony Danza! I'm so excited!

FUCK YOU, Daniel Larson! I have been having sex with Grace while you have been rotting in jail! She doesn't want to be with you if you are going to be a criminal, you FAGGOT! She is my girlfriend now, so get over it, you little pussy-ass bitch!